DEAR HEATHER:
This page is a place where I invite you to write to me about your experiences with The Work of Byron Katie. I welcome you to send whatever questions you have about this inquiry and how to do it, and to share your experiences with it, including anything that frustrates or confuses you. "Dear Heather" is also a place where you can read about other peoples' experiences with The Work, and how it has changed their lives, as well as my responses to their questions and concerns. I look forward to hearing from you!
Dear Heather,
The frustrating part about The Work for me is that not very many people
understand it--they don't know that their beliefs are leading them around
by their noses. That really bothers me.
I wouldn't be doing The Work if it wasn't for you. You're my link to the
process. I feel so dependent on you and how you guide me in the process.
It's like a heart thing. And also it's because writing is really difficult
for me. I express myself well when I talk, but I'm dyslexic and writing
is so hard. How can I do The Work if I'm not writing it down and I'm not
with you?
Love,
Kala
Dear Kala,
Thank you for your letter. Yes, it's very frustrating when other people
believe what they think, and you think that they shouldn't do that. So
whose beliefs are upsetting you, their's or yours? In my experience, other
people living out the stories in their heads cannot be a problem. However,
I am very familiar with the pain of believing that they shouldn't do that,
the pain of believing that they need The Work, that they should see what
they don't see. As you've heard me say many times before, the wind blows,
the grass grows, and other people believe what they think (until they
don't). All of that is better than fine, and if I think it's not, then
I am very confused, and I'm the one who needs The Work.
I understand that writing is really tough for you, and that you'd like
to be able to do The Work on your own without writing. Though I usually
write my own inquiry down, sometimes I feel moved to inquire when writing's
not possible, like when I'm driving, going for a walk, or taking a shower.
So here's what I do in place of writing to keep the mind focussed on the
questions, to keep it from slipping out of the inquiry, as it so often
loves to do! I speak the questions and answers and turnarounds and proofs
outloud. It sounds like this:
"People should question what they believe."
"Is it true? Is it true that people should question what they believe?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know. So, from that not knowing place, can you absolutely
know that it's true that people should question what they believe?"
"No."
"How do you react when you think that people should question what
they believe, and they're not doing it?"
I'll stop here, Kala, as I think you get the picture. Just say all of
it outloud. If you lose the question, or stray from the answering, just
repeat the question until it's clear and your answers rise to meet it.
Just like when we're doing The Work together, and you say, "What
was the question?" and "Could you repeat that?" and "Ask
me again." This losing and forgetting the questions happens to most
everyone. It's part of the process whether you're being facilitated by
me, or facilitating yourself. Take your time. If you did this with just
one thought a day, I'm quessing that things would loosen up a lot for
you, and that you would begin to notice that the love and freedom you
experience when we're together has nothing to do with me. Sweet relief!
I look forward to hearing about how this goes for you.
Love,
Heather
Dear Heather,
How do I know if I am ready to break free from comfortable but destructive
thinking habits? What if I discover something about myself that I don't
like? I feel so overwhelmed already by everything going on in my life,
but I feel like I don't have time to deal with these issues right now.
Thank you,
Jennifer A.
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for your letter. You ask some very good questions. I'll take them one at a time.
I don't know how you know if you're ready to break free from comfortable but destructive thinking habits. Not everyone wants to question what they believe, and that's okay. What I do know is that before I started doing The Work, I was suffering so much that I could barely function, and was desperate to find a way to end the pain. The Work turned out to be the way for me.
You asked, "What if I discover something about myself that I don't like?" In my experience with inquiry, the more I discover about myself, the more I like myself, and the clearer my own innocence becomes to me. Doing The Work on my stressful thoughts has shown me so much of who I am, who I'm not, and and has illuminated just exactly how I live when I believe what I think. It has shown me where I've been a bully, a hypocrite, a liar, a thief, a victim, a drama queen, a prima donna, a jerk.....and the list goes on. You name it, and I can find it in my experience of myself.
Seeing all of these things about myself is a wonderful gift, in that it allows me to meet everyone as a friend. "You're a lying, hypocritical bully? Me too! You're a self-absorbed drama queen? I am too! We have so much in common!" And, as I become more and more aware of these things, they begin to shift.
Even more powerful is how questioning my thoughts shows me that I don't create them, they just appear, and then I innocently live them out. Everything that I do begins as a thought. Since I'm not the one creating these thoughts, that means that I can't take the credit or the blame for anything.
People sometimes worry that living life from this realization will make them uncaring, irresponsible, and even dangerous, but my experience is the opposite. My integrity deepens as I continue to question, and, as Katie says, "a clear mind always knows what to do." To that I would add that a clear mind moves as love itself. Since seeing that I am not responsible for anything, I have become more responsible than I ever was before.
The third part of your email talks about feeling overwhelmed,
and not having "the time to deal with these issues right now."
I really understand that. For me, living out painful beliefs about myself,
others, and the world, drains most of my energy and is very time consuming.
I find that living without my stressful stories relieves the burden of
overwhelm, and frees up
my time and energy in ways I couldn't have imagined before I found The
Work.
Love,
Heather
Dear Heather,
I love the part of the work where I ask myself where my life would be without this thought or that thought. It's helped me many times. With thoughts that are really fiction that my brain writes, for instance: "I know this person hates me", or "I know I will never suceed". What confuses me about the work is when that question is applied to health issues. My mom has been sick with a chronic illness for the past 40 years, it seems awful to imagine that her illness is just a thought she has had or my family has had. Can you explain to me more about The work and how it would apply to long term illness.
K.
Dear K,
Thank you for your letter. I'm so glad to hear that considering what your
life might be like without your stressful stories has helped you! That's
wonderful!
In my experience, everything is a story (including the most mundane "truths",
like "it's a sky"), and, in my experience, stories are powerful,
especially the ones about my family. This does not in any way diminish
the pain you and your family have experienced, and continue to experience
around your mom and her illness.
For me, I apply The Work to long-term illness in the same way that I apply
it to everything else: I identify the thoughts that are causing me to
suffer, and then I question them.
What thoughts do you have about your mom and her illness that really hurt
when you think them? Here are some that you may have had over the years:
"I wish my mom wasn't sick" This one turns around to: "I'm
glad my mom is sick." That might be difficult to look at at first,
but if you look for ways in which you're better off because of this particular
aspect of reality, you will find them.
I'll go first. I'm glad my mom suffered from a chronic long-term illness
because:
1) It gave me a lot of compassion for other people who suffer from paranoid
schizophrenia, and who's families suffer along with them. I love that
about myself.
2) The first song I ever wrote was about my mom and her illness, and for
me, writing that song was an ecstatic, life-changing experience. It showed
me that it was possible for me to write a song (something I had wanted
and been afraid to do for many years), and since then I have written dozens
more, many of which are about my mom and her illness. Sometimes people
tell me that these songs have helped them to heal. They have my mom's
illness to thank for that. Also, I had the opportunity to share these
songs with her, and she loved them. We had wonderfully healing times together
over these songs and what they meant to us both.
3) Here's a related proof for this turnaround: I'm glad that my mother
suffered from a long-term illness because my brother has written some
amazing songs about it. Songs that bring tears of gratitude and love to
my eyes as I think about them right now. Songs we have sung and played
together. I cherish that.
4) I'm glad my mom suffered from a chronic illness because the pain I
felt from my stories about that was so intense that I spent most of my
life looking for a way to end it. That search lead me to The Work. Since
now I do The Work for a living, it's also true that my mother's illness
gave me a career, one which I love and rejoice in every day.
5) I'm glad my mom suffered from a chronic long-term illness because when
she experienced what seemed to be a spontaneous and significant recovery
from it, it seemed truly miraculous to me, and showed me that anything
is possible.
Before she died, my mom shared her own turnaround with me (though she
didn't call it that): She said that she was truly grateful for the time
she spent as a homeless person, living on the streets, sleeping under
bushes, and going to jail in the winter time for what she called "three
hots and a cot." She said that she met some wonderful people, she
learned a lot about herself and the world, and that she wouldn't trade
all of that for anything. So far as I can tell, her homelessness was directly
related to her illness, so these are ways in which she benefitted from
it.
I could go on and on. What amazing gifts has your mother's illness brought
to your life? What amazing gifts has it brought to her life?
People often tell me that it would be unkind, or even cruel to look for
ways in which they are better off because of someone else's illness or
death. But I notice that when I wish reality was different than it is
(for example: "I wish my mom wasn't sick"), the effects of that
thought are tension, sadness, anger, and resentment. I notice that when
I'm experiencing all of these emotions, my behavior toward others is unkind,
and sometimes even cruel. I'm impatient with my daughter (or whoever else
happens to be around). I snap at her. Because I'm so busy wishing reality
was different than it is, and feeling the misery of that, I don't listen
to what she has to say. I'm also unkind to myself, as my mind travels
from "I wish my mom wasn't sick," to "I should be able
to help her," and "If I was a better daughter, she wouldn't
suffer so much."
When I question these thoughts and turn them around, I am much kinder
and more loving toward everyone, including myself. From that perspective,
what seems unkind to me is NOT looking for ways that I'm better off because
of someone else's illness. I'm kinder when I do, and therefore the world
is kinder when I do.
Other stories you may have suffered the pain of believing are:
"My life would be better if my mom wasn't sick."
"My mom's life would be better if she wasn't sick."
"I need my mom to get better."
On the surface, these thoughts might seem to be unquestionably true. But
can you absolutely know for certain that her illness is not the best thing
for you on your path, and the best thing for her on her path? If you question
these thoughts, and wait for your own answers to surface, your life could
change in ways that would absolutely amaze you.
And if you don't question them, that's good too!
Love,
HeatherTop
Contact Heather:
heather@heatherambler.com
650.804.5300